Now that I have been eating like a true 21st century cavewomen for approximately 14 days, I want new kitchen appliances. I officially hate (wait, make that “immensely dislike” as per childhood language restrictions as per Mom) my current culinary machinery. K-Hubs and I have been “remodeling” our kitchen for three years now, which is so say we keep eyeing but never buying things. Probably okay. Until one starts eating like a cavewoman in the 21st century. I already said that, didn’t I?
For example, I have yet to figure out how to bake two things at two different temperatures at the same time without two ovens. And do not even get me started on stove coils. WHO CAME UP WITH THOSE THINGS? I just can’t. I couldn’t when we didn’t eat like this, and I most definitely cannot now. OMIGOSH, the coils.
And then there is our poor dishwasher. It has been on its last legs since we first moved into the house. It was old when it was new. Officially, it is impossible to hear over should one want to converse or watch television. Just know, if you come to our house while we are running it, you will get nothing accomplished. I want this particular appliance to conk out. Like, really conk out, without flooding the kitchen, of course. Toodle wouldn’t know what to think if we got a silent dishwasher or one THAT ACTUALLY CLEANED THE DISHES.
That’s the other problem. It doesn’t dry or clean well. K-Hubs took it apart and cleaned it and made it all shiny and new. No. Dice. It really doesn’t like that we run it approximately two times per day now. Sometimes, um, maybe three. That is if it’s baking day. Yes, I’m Laura Ingalls Wilder, thanks for noticing. Actually, I do want to ask her about how she structured her days. I guess I need to go back and reread “Little House on the Prairie.” I’ll be the one with a pen behind her ear and a notepad in hand as I read about Ma and Pa and little Carrie. I have almost all the books in her series. Even “Farmer Boy.” To the basement I go. They’re in a tub somewhere. Probably next to high school art projects, namely that one where I tried to draw Nicole Kidman in her curly hair days. Do not try to draw Nicole Kidman with curly hair unless you are a true artist. I am not. She looked so angry by the time I was done.
ME: “Mom, my project turned out horrible. Mr. Wong will not give me an A.”
MOM: Who is that supposed to be? Wait, yes, I remember, you’re drawing Nicole Kidman. She, um, well, she looks like she’s PMSing.”
Thanks, Mom. Sorry, Nicole. The fault is ALL MINE. You are wonderful, no doubt.
Then there is the refrigerator. It works just fine. But it’s maxed to the max. Yes, that’s a real state of mind for a fridge. We actually want to keep it. “Phew,” it sighs. But put it in the garage. “What in the actual what?” it asks.
Everything we buy is fresh. We store non-fridge fruits and vegetables in the pantry because we no longer put anything in there. If it comes in a box, $10 says we don’t eat it anymore.
And then our microwave. I know, I know. Some can and do live without these. I like having one purely for convenience, although we hardly ever use it now. But two years of breast pumping (because, yes, I pumped and then bottle-fed milk for 12 months with each daughter), plus the freezing and then thawing of milk has left that poor puppy high and dry. The gizmo literally has no more juice. I’m also misusing the word “literally” in the previous sentence. But the thing, well, it doesn’t work so well anymore.
Four appliances. All needing to go to the appliance graveyard or join a buddy system (hi, fridge, we love you). What was a cosmetic dream has turned into an “I NEED NEW APPLIANCES NOW!” state of mind. Although at the pace we are going with the kitchen, it will probably be another three years before we do anything about it.
OH, AND I FORGOT! We ruined our formica countertop! How sad is that? Not very sad. I made bone broth in the crock pot and left the crock pot on the seam of the formica. Oops, buckling. At least we bought our granite tiles to replace it. But, you know, three years. That’s our timeline. Snail speed.
However, now that we prepare EVERY SINGLE FREAKING MEAL FROM SCRATCH, even K-Hubs is weary from half-baked (pun absolutely intended) appliances that are constantly on the brink. Nightmarish comes to mind. We have an affinity for old things, like cars (I’ve had the same one since high school – it will be old enough for its own driver’s license this year), phones (I got a data plan only because my original phone died), and houses (this is the only house either of us has ever owned).
But appliances? Give me new. Brand new. Every time I start to feel guilty for thinking of upgrading, I remind myself they get the job done if we run the dishwasher twice and stay up late so the second round of food can take its turn baking at the proper temperature. Also, we foster-adopted orphaned elephants, so maybe a few new appliances is okay. Because one good deed deserves shopping.
But the big question is, will I burn the house down if I get a gas range? This is me, so it’s a fair question.