Because We All Deserve Spa Treatments at Home (Oh, and Soygate – Watergate, eat your heart out)

I’m just going to say it. I think we should all walk around declaring we have toxic load in our bodies, which we probably actually do. Then we can do detox spa treatments completely guilt-free. Just, whatever, man. It needs to happen. At-home spas that cost just a few bucks? Yep, I’m going to try them out. Gotta keep making deposits into that energy bank.

After taking the 14 food allergies out of Toodle’s diet and attempting to introduce predominately whole foods, we’ve embarked on an “environmental clean-up” in our family. From what we’ve learned, autoimmune diseases and allergies have genetic components. Then, something in the environment triggers the allergy or disease into action (which might explain why some people have problems with foods or toxic build-up from chemicals and others don’t). And, as you’ll see, I wasn’t exactly raised this way. An environmental clean-up of the home is all new territory. For starters, we are doing bentonite clay foot baths right before bed two to three times per week. According to The Wahl’s Protocol, clay is excellent for detoxification. Of course, check with your doctor first – I’m not a doctor nor do I play one on TV.

People with autoimmune diseases can have toxic load, or build-up, in their systems, which complicates their health. Reducing the toxic load reduces the problems they experience. Whether it works or not for Toodle is yet to be determined. At the very least, foot baths are an excellent excuse for at-home mother-daughter spas. And she looks absolutely adorable with her little feet soaking in the bowl. I die. She also falls right to sleep afterward. Calmer immune system? This mama thinks so.

If you’re dying to do this at home, it’s super easy. Bentonite clay is usually found at any drug store or health foods store. We do about a half cup of clay for each large bowl of warm water (adjust more or less for stronger/diluted mixes). Stir it around and soak your feet for 20-30 minutes.

Love. It.

When we’re finished we pour ours out on the lawn. We also decided to make her room a healthy place. The Wahl’s Protocol suggests going organic wherever possible, and not just with foods, to encourage the immune system to relax and balance itself. Growing up I’m not even sure I knew the word “organic” existed. I’m not sure my mother did either. K-Hubs and I bought organic cotton bedding, curtains, and blankets for Toodle and Twinkle. We bought them from Pottery Barn Kids and Pottery Barn Teen because those were the only places I could find child-friendly designs and colors. Thank God for Black Friday specials. That stuff isn’t cheap. For the record, even organic people like the color hot pink. Maybe I’ve just stumbled on a business idea. Organic housewares that aren’t brown or it’s cousin, beige.

Anyway, I swore my entire adult life that my kids were NEVER getting Pottery Barn stuff. They would just have to slog through life, like I did, with run-of-the-mill brands that cost $5. That lasted until about five days ago. I totally caved and didn’t even look back. Whatever. I….I have no excuse. I bought them and felt giddy. I felt even giddier when Toodle fell immediately to sleep the first night the sheets were on her bed. You know how I feel about this if you’re following along on Facebook. Whether you can prove a parenting win or not, just take it. Take the little, unscientifically proven wins wherever you can.

Okay, then we decided to make our own carpet cleaner, using this recipe (it worked, by the way). What we had on hand was full of chemicals and potentially problematic for Toodle’s immune system. Never mind her allergies and the fact that I kept sneezing every time we used the store-bought brand. Maybe I have toxic load, too, and need to go to the spa (medically necessary and all).

You guys, what have I become? Mom and I used to clean our carpets with that powdery perfume stuff you dump on the floor and suck up with the vacuum cleaner. Remember those? They were horrible. They were also my childhood. And I survived. Making my own carpet cleaning solution is about as irreconcilable to my childhood as I can get. So, I’ve hit a new low (or high, depending on which side of the argument you’re on) and made my own cleaner, with essential oils no less. ESSENTIAL OILS! My mother would no less have bought EEs (they have their own acronym!) than she would have put her clothes away after washing them. For the record, she left her clothes in the dryer and pulled them out throughout the week to wear to work.

True story, I pulled her clothes out one time, put them in her dresser drawers, and SHE COULDN’T FIND THEM. “Where are my clothes???” In your dresser. “WHAT????” Serious as a heart attack. The fact that I made my own carpet cleaning solution would likely have caused Mom to purchase an over-the-counter maternity test, confirming our lineage. But a few EEs later, K-Hubs and I now have fresh carpets that are relatively safe for Toodle. Oh, and I don’t sneeze anymore. To continue the detoxification process, we bought a filtered water pitcher. But I dropped the filter in the sink. Me to K-Hubs, “Well, the water won’t have lead or whatever in it. But it will have e coli and salmonella.”

And then there was Soygate. While researching ingredients for the homemade carpet cleaner, we came across ingredients inside ingredients (with me so far?) that looked like they were allergens. And come to find out, we were right. Soy. That son of a business!

SOY IS IN ALL THE THINGS.

It is in shampoos and hand soaps and dish soaps and sunscreen and EVERYTHING. Some people are highly bothered by it while others are to a lesser degree. Because we’re dealing with an autoimmune disease and allergies, we decided not to risk it. Out it goes. So there we were with these “all natural” products that were in tune with her immune system but were totally at odds with one of her food allergies. We are on our 47th purge of the cabinets. Actually, it’s more like the 4th or 5th. But still, that’s a lot of purging. K-Hubs and I emailed and called companies to get the 411 on their ingredients since some are derived from corn, others from fruits, but most from soybeans. I’m three shades shy of being a soy dietician. I even know how to spell D-Alpha Tocopheryl without having to look it up. No one should know how to spell that. At least I don’t know how to pronounce it. That would be the ultimate soul crusher.

Every time I see “glycerin,” “Vitamin E,” or “vegetable protein,” a part of me dies. I start to type the email, “From which of the three sources are your ingredients? Corn, fruit, or soybeans?” Please don’t say soybeans. I’m so going to be on an episode of Cops one day. It’s going to be me throat punching soy outside a heath foods store.

However, there is a high note here. The MBA grad in me feels compelled to share a successful customer service experience. Acure was the first to get back to us. The Brand Educator was amazing. She answered all my questions, including follow-up questions to her answers because I had no clue. It was an email from a real person with a real name and a DIRECT NUMBER. Holy cow. Then she told me about the Cyber Monday specials and free shipping. Merry Healthy Christmas to us! Will we be buying from them in the future? You know that’s right. Acure Organics Body Lotion, Calming Lavender + Echinacea Stem Cell (from plants) is to die for and is soy-free, thank God. It’s a spa in a bottle. Stop everything you’re doing right now and go to their website and buy some for yourself. It’s medically necessary. You know, toxic load and all. “I need to get through the holidays” is a perfectly reasonable excuse to make the impulsive purchase. You could spend $10 on way worse things, like animal print leggings in the 50%-off bin.

Will any of this make a difference for Toodle’s alopecia? I honestly have no idea. After pulling out 14 foods, encouraging fruits and vegetables, and dealing with the emotions that went with those, this is a blast. “Toodle, do you want to do a foot bath?” Oh, you know she does. She’s nobody’s fool.